Part 7

A swing and a miss! On closer inspection you appear to have reduced my health from 96 to 92. Some weaker adventurerers would find it hard to muster the courage to retaliate to such a mild wounding, but I am no such weaker adventur..ing guy

I said pardon? He said "how did you like me sticking my rod in you". Well, I lose it, snap, head-faked him with a left and launched a flurry to the solar plexes, he stepped back, raised his fist so I uppercut him.

He goes down like an apple girl doing her rounds and I stand over him and say "is that "how did you like me sticking my rod in you" enough for you?" Barely even left a mark

This little scrapper on the other hand managed to get the drop on me and school me quite severely. Today's lesson was in getting humiliated by a tiny green menace. Luckily absolutely no one will ever learn of this, as I plan on instituting myself something of a scorched earth style withdrawal, Stalin-style

Stupid goblin, slashing at my waste instead of my throat. You'll never win this way, I have no weak points in that area that I can recall off hand. That lack of attention to detail will be your undoing!

Enemy slewn, it is time to engage in the highest form of adventuring: the finding of arcance texts, followed by the reading of them. It's like the Professor side of Indiana Jones, I guess

In case it isn't clear, Turtis/Rakshir/Sarza/Krablot/etc are Stonekeepian units of time measurement. There's no real modern equivalent, it was just a means of tracking time according to when the sun orb (afri?..I'm sure it'll come up later) circled the earth (which is Thera, somehow) and then grouping those revolutions into a larger unit of time. It was a neat concept, but I guess not everything is as built to last as those chairs in Drake's room

Monster is a relative term...I know I used to get called it all the time when my parents came home to found I'd brained another dog. Say, I wonder what happened to them? It was never really covered in the opening summation, and I never really thought about it until now. Huh...they must have sucked. I'll just assume Hairy Axeman and Elizabeth were my parents. Wait, that's no good, considering the things I've done while thinking about her. Fuck, forget it, stop reading and move on. Animated suits of armor won't wait around forever before coming back to mock me and say they're too busy to kill me, but just wait for it oh yes you wait I'll kill you sometime just not right now I'm super busy trust me guys I am

A, the trusty crate/library. That's why these shargas have to live below the surface, they're too uncivilized to properly appreciate the three scrolls per box filing system. Their loss. Heathens.

Don't be alarmed, that's no a loose eyeball that has been mounted on the wall, it's my eye! Or a representation of it, at least. But I guess that's pretty obvious

Ho ho, I remember my good friend Craven used to steal this sign and hang it over his old man's crapper. We'd all laugh and laugh. Ah, good times. I wonder whatever happened to old Craven after that messy skin-melting scourge of the Shadow King business ten years ago.

Armor? Check. Helemt? Check. Grenade? Check. Ant? Check. Hold on a second, ant? Why the hell would there be any ant in the armory, that's a poor weapon at best. Shoo, shoo you six legged bastard

Hello there helmet. I'm a little hesitant to fuck up my ghost body's fancy hairdo, but not being smashed repeatedly into unconsciousness from every rock thrown at me will be a nice change of pace. I hate being knocked out, always wake up with a head-ache and a sore ass for some reason

This is the fascinating stage between the helmet being on the floor and it being on my head. Stay tuned for further developments

Here's my fancy new weakest helmet in the game applied directly to the forehead. Now intenionally ramming my head into doors to open them will hurt 45% less

Another sqitch. I wonder what wonderous wonders await me when I pull this lever. New paths? Riches? Weapons?

Oh, fire. My hand still smarts from our last encounter. I don't care if you're every child's favorite toy, you and me are going to be spending some time apart to think about what we want from our relationship

Now they are...not..ale barrels...I guess

Unless I'm mistaken, it seems the guy whose job it is to put keys inside of ants inside barrels got so deeply into his job he seems to have put himself in a barrel!

A tactician this cunning will require a very special approach. Flank Left!

Shit, he's seen me! He is one sly fox indeed. Think fast Drake. I've got just enough time to toss a grenade and flee or run my sword through my own guts and hope he takes pity on me and grants me a quick death

Turns out he's no master of the art of war at all, he's just a drunk. Well, fair enough. I can't bring myself to fight someone who is so incompetent or otherwise unconcerned about their job that they'll just get wasted with enemies around. It warms my heart.

Many were served from that very bag. We ate a lot of wheat. Too much wheat, quite frankly. If Elizabeth wasn't a looker she probably would have been shit-canned long ago.

A thought occurs...maybe Elizabeth cooked all of those meals here..because it is the kitchen. Man, I never put two and two together! Course I was kind of a stupid kid. Good thing I've managed to make something of myself. I don't know for sure what my body is up to now, but my soul is kicking names and taking ass

Here's a hallway full of ants, broken glass, and broken dreams. Unfortunately it has too many ants, so you may want to wear shoes

All of this getting hit in the mouth has got me thinking that maybe I should revitalize myself with some mystery juice from the forbidden fountain of eerie luminescense. Nothing refreshes me before a battle like fluids of unknown origin. And I didn't even have to wear a blind-fold and suck it through a hose this time

Which brings us back to these two giants. Well, giant shargas, which actually just makes them regular sized. They're outside of rock range, which leaves me little choice but to take a power nap and see if Thera will let me go back to my body so I can blow this stone coffin. Maybe I could just sneak in, grab what I need, and sneak out

Or maybe they'll see me coming and storm over to break my legs and scoop out my eyes